somanylyrics | rp for bitchesandbreadstix] i want to hold you high and steal your pain away

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rp for bitchesandbreadstix] i want to hold you high and steal your pain away

It had been a horrible day at school, and Brittany can't stop worrying about Santana. Everything that had been going on in recent days, with Finn opening his big mouth and the aftermath of it, has left Brittany unsure of a lot of things. It had been easy for her before. She loved Santana and she wanted to be with Santana. She didn't over think it. She didn't ask what it meant, or who she was because of it. She just wanted to be with the person she loved.

When she heard Santana singing during their mash-up and saw the pain in her eyes, her heart broke. A part of her felt responsible, because she was a big part of the equation. She didn't want people picking on Santana, or hating Santana, or anything. Mostly though she didn't want Santana hating herself. She sees things in the other girl that so many people don't, or can't. Things that Santana doesn't let them see. She knows how incredible her best friend is, and she wishes everyone else saw it.

She's now curled up on her bed, thinking. She has been here since she got home from school. Her cell phone is laying beside her head on the pillow and she keeps checking it, waiting for a text or call from Santana. She knows Santana went to talk to her grandmother, and she's impatient to hear how it goes. She wants it to be okay. She wants everything to be okay.

Mostly though she just wants Santana. She wants to hide in the space between them that is theirs; where no one can judge them. That space where everything is good and right.

She checks her phone again and rolls onto her back. The house is quiet with her parents gone, but she doesn't want to turn on music. She doesn't want to do anything but lay there and wait.

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Santana doesn't understand where things went wrong.

Well, she does know. Things went wrong when Finn fucking Hudson opened his big mouth and ruined her life. She was getting there slowly, working out how to handle everything and how to explain it to her family when she was ready, but now....Santana just counts herself lucky that her parents are okay with it since she would have nowhere to go if they weren't.

Her abuela was very clear about that.

Santana doesn't bother to wipe away the mascara tracks down her cheeks as she walks the distance to Brittany's house. Her car- with her phone hidden away in the glove box- is still sitting outside of her abuela's house so she'll have to pick that up at some point.

She presses Brittany's doorbell when she gets there and wraps her arms around her body, biting back a fresh wave of tears the longer she had to wait for her girlfriend.

When she hears the doorbell go off, Brittany jumps up and runs down the stairs. No one else would be coming over right now except Santana. She gets to the front door and swings it open, and when she sees Santana's face she deflates.

Brittany reaches out wraps her arms around Santana tightly. She's not so sure what words to say to help right now, so she just hugs her.

Santana waited a moment to make sure it was Brittany who opened the door before throwing herself into her arms. She presses her face into her shoulder and shakes as the sobs racked through her body. She couldn't stop them if she tried.

"She hates me," she chokes out, grabbing at the back of Brittany's shirt just to keep herself upright- to keep her there. It feels like she's losing everything, she can't lose Brittany too.

Brittany holds on tight to Santana and rubs her back. "No one could hate you," she says softly. She doesn't understand how anyone ever could.

She doesn't want to let go of her, but she does gently pull her further inside so she can push the door shut behind them. She pulls back slightly to look at Santana and brush the damp hair off of her face. There's no way Santana would ever lose her.

"I'm sorry."

"But she does," Santana tightens her grip, "she looked at me...and she...mi Abuela." Her choked sobs calm down, but tears are still streaming down her cheeks.

She lets Brittany move her, still dazed from what happened and she just can't shake her attention off just how painful her heart is. "She's supposd to love me.." she swallows thickly, looked at Brittany with confusion in her eyes, "no matter what. Why...why doesn't she?"

"I don't know. I wish I could change it." She leans in and brushes a soft kiss against Santana's cheek. "Come on. Let's go upstairs."

She takes Santana's hand and squeezes it tight. She wants to fix everything for Santana, the way Santana does for her. She wants to make it all better. She just doesn't know how.

Santana sniffs, wiping her cheeks furiously with the back of her hand and nods.

She doesn't fight Brittany and follows her quietly up the stairs, sniffing sometimes when a new wave of tears start. She just wants to curl up on Brittany's bed and forget how much it hurts.

Brittany gets Santana into her room and sits her on the bed. She helps her get her shoes off, then tucks her in and crawls into the bed beside her. She faces Santana and wraps an arm around her tightly.

"I love you," she says quietly. "I wish I could fix it."

Santana curls up against Brittany, staying quiet apart from the occasional hiccup.

"Just wanna forget," she mumbles, "I thought she'd...of all people." She shakes her head and tucks herself under Brittany's chin, "wanna forget."

Her heart breaks all over again, because she's not used to being the one to take care of Santana. Usually it's the other way around. Usually Santana looks out for her, makes everything make sense for her, and tilts the world right. She doesn't know how to repay that.

She's over thinking the how too much though instead of just being herself, which is what she does do right for Santana. Her fingers brush through Santana's hair and she presses her lips to the top of Santana's head.

"Did you see Rachel's outfit today? It looked like she was auditioning for a play where everyone dresses ugly. I kept waiting for What Not To Wear to show up at school."

Okay, so it's a weak insult, but Santana she is not. However she is hoping it'll at least get a little smile.

Santana does laugh a little. Brittany's attempts to insult people are always amusing.

"She's a walking commercial for that show," she sniffs, pressing her lips to Brittany's collar bone before laying her head back down on her chest. She listens to Brittany's heartbeat to help calm herself down.

She's happy to hear that laugh, even if small, and she burrows in closer. "And Finn has a really big forehead. I think airplanes can land on it."

She says that, but shuts her mouth quickly. She's still mad at Finn for what he did. More for Santana than for herself, too. She's still not entirely sure where the lines of her sexuality lay, and it's not something she's worried about defining. She has what she wants. Either way, it was wrong. She kind of wanted to hit him, too.

Santana's jaw tightens and the pain in her chest is replaced with anger. This is all his fault. If she had more time to prepare, to think...maybe her abuela would understand.

"I want an plane to land on him," she growls, "he had no fucking right." the next time she sees him, he'll be lucky if she doesn't kill him.

Brittany tightens her arm around Santana. "I know you do, and he didn't, but don't get kicked out. This is our last year in high school together. We have to both be there."

Her thumb brushes slow circles into Santana's back. "I need you there, so I think...you should ignore him."

Even though Brittany really wants to kick his butt for her. She could. She totally could. The glee club kids don't know just how street she can be.

Santana scowls, "I know a guy in Lima Heights. Frankenteen could be gone by the end of the week without a trace." It's an empty threat. Brittany knows Lima Heights isn't as bad as Santana pretends it is.

Santana wouldn't actually do anything that would take her away from Brittany. Even though she's still terrified of what could happen to her- them- at school, she won't let Brittany do it alone.

Brittany leans up a bit to look down at Santana and give her a slight look. "It's going to be okay. Maybe everyone will forget about it. People don't really give Kurt a hard time anymore, right?"

Even though she knows there's much more to it than kids being bullies. She doesn't want anyone to hate her for who she is, or to hate Santana for who she is. She doesn't even understand why it's such a big deal to some people.

"But that's Kurt, you'd have to be blind not to see how gay he is," Santana growled, "but me-." She stops herself and bites her lip.

She hides herself against Brittany again. "People already hate me for being a bitch," she whispers, "they don't need to hate me for this too."

"You're awesome," Britt says softly. "No one hates you, they just don't understand you all the time." She reaches out and tips Santana's chin up so she has to look at her.

"The rest of glee club likes you, San. They do. But...none of them get to see you like I see you."

Santana won't let anyone else see her the way Brittany sees her. That's for Brittany, and Brittany alone.

Santana looks at Brittany, silent tears still sliding down her cheeks. "They do hate me, B. Berry thinks i'm gonna work on a pole....i get outed on...on state tv-" she swallows, her fear spiking again, "because i deserve it. I just....i don't get it."

Brittany realizes that there's a wall Santana won't let anyone else beyond, and while it does make her feel special, she kind of wishes she would. She wants everyone to know how amazing Santana is.

Tears come to her eyes as well when she sees Santana cry, and when she hears those words. "You don't deserve it. You don't deserve anything bad, ever. There are just a lot of mean people."

She hates when Santana puts herself down, but she also knows that the self-assured facade she puts up daily isn't really how Santana sees herself. "Please don't say you deserve it. You don't. Ever."

Santana swallows thickly and tilts her head, pressing her lips against Brittany's. She brings a hand up to cup her jaw and hold her there.

"My life sucks," she mumbles sadly when she pulls away, still brushing her thumb over Brittany's jaw, "you're the only good thing I have."

Brittany kisses her back and keeps close after it. She closes her eyes to the touch and sighs.

"We'll make it not suck when we get out of Lima."

"Then lets leave. Tonight," Santana wants it to stop sucking now. It's too much too quickly, and she can't cope. She doesn't know how to.

"But where would we go? We don't have any money, and...we can't. Not yet."

It is tempting, really tempting, but she knows how upset Santana is. She knows if Santana weren't this upset she would say the same thing. That they have to wait.

She opens her eyes to look at Santana. "You love me, right?"

The angry scowl on her face practically disappears at Brittany's question, and she feels a terrified twinge in her heart. After this- after everything- Brittany can't still doubt her...can she?

"Yeah. Yes," she insists, her voice breaking slightly, "I love you so much."

Brittany moves to prop herself up and lean over Santana when she hears that. "No! I didn't..." Her hand brushes down Santana's arm. She hadn't meant to upset her more with that question.

"But...we love each other so we should remember that. When everything is really bad and ugly, we can remember this. It's all worth it to me. You're the only person I need. Ever."

Santana's bottom lip quivered and another silent tear went down her cheek. She nods, not trusting her voice right now because she's sure it would just come out like a sob.

She tugs Brittany back down and wraps her arms around her, pulling her close to calm herself down. "It's worth it," she whispers mostly to reassure herself, "it'll be worth it."

She wraps herself around Santana as much as she can. She circles her arms around her, wraps her ankles around hers, and holds onto her tightly. "You'll always have me," she whispers. "Always and forever."

"I love you," Santana relaxes fully against Brittany.

"I just want her to know that. I wanted her to know how I felt...about you," Santana spoke quietly, "she doesn't have to like it, I just...I want her to accept it, not ignore it. I just want her to accept me for who I am."

"Maybe she needs time. Maybe...maybe one day we'll be getting married and she'll be there, and she'll be really happy for you." She can't help but smile at this thought, because the idea doesn't scare her whatsoever. How could it?

"Give her time."

Santana smiles, the idea of getting married to Brittany not seeming so much like a dream any more. She can actually do it, one day.

"Time," she mutters bitterly. That's what she needed. "I can do that."

"And I'll be here with you the whole time." Her hands slip up onto Santana's back, under her shirt. She wanted to feel her skin on Santana's to feel closer. More intimate. All she really knows how to do is be there and try to remind Santana that everything will be okay. Even though she's a little scared herself still.

It's not like she has a choice but give her time. Brittany's hand on her back is the reassurance she needs and she pushes back against it slightly. "I know you will," Santana doesn't doubt that at all.

She knows it's not perfect though. She kisses Santana's cheek gently. "What else can I do?" Because she would do anything, anything, at this moment to make Santana happy.

"Just...don't leave," Santana just wants Brittany to hold her tonight. Maybe things will be better tomorrow.

"I won't, I promise." And with that promise she holds on tighter.

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rp for bitchesandbreadstix] i want to hold you high and steal your pain away

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